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Post by shadquartz on Mar 5, 2009 13:48:41 GMT -5
I'm getting sick of seeing my name, but i wrote this a while ago on paper, so i thought i'd share it.
Shadow walked up along the ridge of the choa gardens. It was winter, and the choas were playing in the snow. Sonic had got his tongue stuck to an icicle again, and Tails was still buried under snowmen. Knuckles was trying desperately to get away from the choas that wanted to hit him with snowballs, and Amy was hanging upside down off of a beam of ice trying to save her chao. SHadow shook his head, his chao circling around his legs, when the ridge of ice collpased. Shadow was falling, and then flying. His chao lifted him onto solid ground, and his breath wa shaky. He petted his chao, and it purred. If it hadn't been there, he wouldn't be there then. Now to help the chao in what he wanted to do. Help all those in need. "And i picked the chao that helps poeple why?" He asked himself, as he shot the icicle attacked to sonic's tongue.
Hope u like it!
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Post by TDF on Mar 5, 2009 18:51:30 GMT -5
Is fair criticism allowed? I'm getting sick of seeing my name, but i wrote this a while ago on paper, so i thought i'd share it. Shadow walked up along the ridge of the choa [Common misspelling?] gardens. It was winter, and the choas were playing in the snow. Sonic had got [Either get rid of 'had', or write 'gotten', as you are speaking in past tense, I suppose. ] his tongue stuck to an icicle again, and Tails was still buried under snowmen. Knuckles was trying desperately to get away from the choas that wanted to hit him with snowballs, and Amy was hanging upside down off of a beam of ice [...What?] trying to save her chao [So now they're spelled 'Chao'?]. SHadow shook his head, his chao circling around his legs, when the ridge of ice collpased [Lulz, Collpased. Also, wouldn't all the other Sonic characters fall too?]. Shadow was falling, and then flying. His chao lifted him onto solid ground [But a Chao can barely lift Cream! Also, why didn't Shadow just Chaos Control? That, and the fact Shadow's fallen from pretty high heights, and survived.], and his breath wa [Japanese Particle for 'For'] shaky. He petted his chao, and it purred [Wait, Chao purr? o.o]. If it hadn't been there, he wouldn't be there then [I'm guessing he would survive] . Now to help the chao in what he wanted to do. Help all those in need. "And i picked the chao that helps poeple why?" He asked himself, as he shot the icicle attacked to sonic's tongue. [I'm lost, what did he just shoot? What Icicle was attacking Sonic? Whawhawha?]
Hope u like it!Eeeh, pretty mediocre, but I guess since you did it in like, four seconds, 'tis okay. But if you're gonna put it up on the web, aren't you gonna at least proof-read it? o.o
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Post by Master Silver on Mar 5, 2009 20:52:16 GMT -5
What the hell is a "Choa" and where can I buy one?
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Lunarflight
Full Member
Lunarflight ~Warrior of Streamclan
Posts: 357
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Post by Lunarflight on Mar 5, 2009 22:14:17 GMT -5
I saw a choa on picklebay for OVER 9,000!!! dollars. .3.
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Post by shadquartz on Mar 6, 2009 13:40:45 GMT -5
a chao is one of those cute little blobs of things that look like cute moving, wild coloured turds! i divn't give a damn about speelings, and the other characters were on the ground. and i meant attached! and very funny!
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Post by TDF on Mar 6, 2009 18:17:47 GMT -5
We know what Chao are, you just misspelled it and we made fun of you! *Shot* Also, you should have clarified that the rest of the characters were on solid ground. I still think the general story is pretty bad. =/
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Lunarflight
Full Member
Lunarflight ~Warrior of Streamclan
Posts: 357
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Post by Lunarflight on Mar 6, 2009 19:30:12 GMT -5
I agree. Read books, Then you'll be a good writer. That story was horrible, and made my PUKE barf! xDD
Honestly, I still think you should read other books. You NEED punctuation, grammar, and good spelling, and a book is where you can learn these three things.
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Post by Akago on Mar 7, 2009 1:26:30 GMT -5
Now now Adria, lets not rip them a new one. While they need the beauty of grammar guides and spell check, it's not the worst that has existed. Now, if Shadow was saying things like 'lets go to my cozy home' or being chummy with Sonic over hot coco while a revived Maria joins in, then I'd say kill it with fire.
With grammar, it might beset you to go read a guide or two. And use a spelling check to help check misspellings. The post reply page even has a free no download needed one to use.
Shadow walked up along the ridge of the Chao gardens. It was winter, and the Chaos were playing in the snow. Sonic had got his tongue stuck to an icicle again, and Tails was still buried under snowmen. Knuckles was trying desperately to get away from the Chaos that wanted to hit him with snowballs, and Amy was hanging upside down off of a beam of ice trying to save her Chao.
Shadow shook his head, his Chao circling around his legs when the ridge of ice collapsed. Shadow was falling, and then flying. His Chao lifted him onto solid ground, and his breath was shaky. He petted his Chao, and it purred. If it hadn't been there, he wouldn't be there then. Now to help the Chao in what he wanted to do. Help all those in need.
"And I picked the Chao that helps people why?" He asked himself, as he shot the icicle attacked to Sonic's tongue.
There, I just did a basic clean up; ran it through spell check, and proofed for any obvious grammical errors. See how much cleaner and easier to read that'd be? While there are some area's I'd probably change to make it flow better, once it's cleaned up the writing is actually not that bad.
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Post by shadquartz on Mar 7, 2009 5:07:13 GMT -5
i read a damn lot of books, i just did that in like 2 secs
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Lunarflight
Full Member
Lunarflight ~Warrior of Streamclan
Posts: 357
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Post by Lunarflight on Mar 7, 2009 12:21:18 GMT -5
right, And the kids at my school are actually smart....
Are you just going to sit here trying to brag about something stupid, Or are you going to actually try writing a good story?
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Post by Akago on Mar 7, 2009 14:28:26 GMT -5
Shadquartz, whether you do or not doesn't prove anything unless you apply the knowledge. That's what everyone is trying to point out. As it's been said, put your money where your mouth is or your nothing but talk.
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Post by shadquartz on Mar 10, 2009 15:37:36 GMT -5
ok, i'll try another one. Here:
Shadow stepped out into the dim light in the centre of the room. "Where am I?" He heard his echo bounce back to him. He felt a chill run down his spine. He was being watched. He swung around, just in time to see something zip into the dark. Whatever it was, it didn't look too freindly. He started to back towards where he thought the door might be if there was one, and the thing slithered past him. He looked to his right, and it had just managed to escape his vision. He swore under his breath, and as he turned back around, he got an eyeful of the mysterious figure. He started again to back away. He had left the centre of light, and had his back pressed up against the wall. The thing was still in the light. He reached down, and groped around the wall. If he was lucky, there might be a handle. The thing lunged at him. It was blue and furry, had nail like claws, and not very freindly looking teeth. It wore a snarl of hate, and roared as it neared him. His heart pounded. What was it? He leapt to the right, just in time to feel the handle. He grabbed it, and yanked it down. Locked. He swore again. He ducked, and the thing broke down the door. Light hit the creature, and it hissed. It started to shrink, then Shadow started to walk closer to it. "Sonic?" He asked.
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Post by Akago on Mar 11, 2009 5:47:54 GMT -5
Much, much better. Not to mention that's a good hook. Come on, tell us what happened to Sawnik! Did he get mutated back into a normal hedgie instead of an antro one?
Critic: Like I said, really good. The grammar is nice and clean. The only thing I can point out as something that sticks out is the use of the 'he' pronoun. Maybe find another way to describe him?
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Post by shadquartz on Mar 11, 2009 13:15:24 GMT -5
Yeah, ok, part 2!
Shadow looked down. Sonic writhed on the floor as he shrank, and Shadow winced as his claws shriveled back into his fingers. Sonic stayed motionless on the floor for a while, and Shadow started to take a few steps toward him, but was knocked back by a sudden attack that seemed to come from nowhere. Until he saw Amy, of course. "What the?" "Stay away form my Sonikku!" She screamed, and raised her hammer again. "Easy, Amy, he didn't do anything." Sonic stood up, just. Amy helped him up, and Sonic, for once, was glad she was there. Shadow looked at the two of them, and sighed. "How the heck do we get out of here?" "Easy." Amy giggled. "I'll tell if Sonic says he'll marry me!" Sonic and Shadow sook their heads. "Shouldn't we truss her up and make her show us the way? I've got persuasion right here." Shadow patted his gun. "Easy stuff." Amy shook her head. "Only if Sonic marrys me!" Sonic sighed. "Fine! Just get us out of here!" Sonic sighed inwardly, and winked at Shadow. He was going to make a runner afterwards. Amy led them out, and as soon as she asked: "Can it be a white wedding?" Sonic was gone. And so was Shadow.
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